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Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.