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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
is spending my children´s inheritance.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
We get it poets: things are like other things
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.