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You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Trust me, I am a liar.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.