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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?