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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.