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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.