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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
What if the weather talks about us?
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.