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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."