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I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.