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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!