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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?