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Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.