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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
I’m in no shape to exercise.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.