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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
Keep calm and drink on.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.