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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
My life coach just benched me.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.