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Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.