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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.