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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.