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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.