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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!