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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.