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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.