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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.