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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.