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Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants