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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?