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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.