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To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
No one has ever been in an empty room.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.