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I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)