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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.