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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today