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Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.