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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!