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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.