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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.