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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.