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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.