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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.