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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.