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I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.