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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet