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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
That moment when being uncool, is cool