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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.