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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again