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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.