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You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.