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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out Iām not fat. Iām a panda.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.