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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.