Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.