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Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.