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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles