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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?