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Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”