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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.