Daily Silly Status

"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call

"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"

All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.

HardCoreStrategy 22 hours ago 6 3? Guys are? in a cafe. The first guy says "I?? have the smallest arm in the? world." The second guy says I have the?? smallest head in? the world." The third guy says I have the smallest d^ck in the world. They all? go to? the Guinness Book of World records. The? first? guy comes back and says I really? have the smallest arm in the world. The seconds guy? returns and? says? I have the smallest head in the world. The third guy comes back? and angrily?? says WHO? T

You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.

God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...

I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.

This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.

Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.

It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..

Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?

"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.

I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!

There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.