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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".