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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My innocent look never works in the nude.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.