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Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me