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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
Gym update: not there
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!