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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
There`s no WE in pizza.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.