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Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Marriage is for quitters
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with