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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
This status has been censored by Facebook
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome