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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.