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First fart at my new job.
My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
Stop saying `all the men are the same` who told you to try them all..WHORE!!?¿
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.