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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Warning: I just get weirder.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.