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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out