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I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.