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I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.