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The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.