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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
I’m in no shape to exercise.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?