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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.