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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.