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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.