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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.