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Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."