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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.