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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.