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I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.