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My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.