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the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.