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To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.