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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.