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Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume