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If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.