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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.