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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
Go ahead caller 9!!
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.