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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.