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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.