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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.