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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)