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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
I like the parts of the day when food happens.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.