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You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".