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Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.