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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....