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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.