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Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.