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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.