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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-