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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
Wishing you a fabulous 2014 that is full of great achievements and experiences. A meaningful chapter waiting to be written HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but Iām trying to be proactive.