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Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!