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How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
I say the things better left unsaid.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor