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"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Keep calm and drink on.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.