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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.