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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
French people give me the crepes.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.