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My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert