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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....