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I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"