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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time