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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Find someone you`re good at.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.