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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?