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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes